Between Rains

We've officially been in Tracy for a year! (Well, a little more than!)

This year has flown by. So much has happened, so much has changed. I am very far from the person I was when we entered Tracy a year ago. I have wanted to write this post, I've thought long and hard about what I would share about our first year here. But I cannot complete this post without some honesty.

It has been a tough year. The first 6 months or so went by quickly and easily. Our transition was smooth as we could have ever hoped for. The church family has been wonderful to us. We have made some friends, and definitely have people who feel like family to us. Our students are wonderful kids, willing to chase after God. We are honored to be leading these students.

We've had some great highs and some low lows. The lows seem to define this past year in my mind. After 6 or 7 months of living here it seemed as though life started moving downhill. It was a steady incline and then we began to face situations we did not plan for, changing to a steep decline.

I recently completed a Bible study about the book of James. Beth Moore wrote this study and boy did it rock my world! It has played a big part in my spiritual life over the last few months, I'm so thankful I got to learn from her.

In one of the sessions she talked about being Between Rains. These "rains" being seasons of life that God's word rains down so heavily. We see God in everything, we see Him so clearly. I had a big "rain" early this year. As quickly as it began, it stopped. Now, I find myself between rains, in a dry spell. What I am learning is that I do not control the rain.

What I find even more interesting is my sudden frustration with the lack of rain. No, not spiritually: physically. I miss rain, thunderstorms, even just cloudy days. Life in the Central Valley of Northern California is very sunny. Sometimes painfully so! I never imagined I could feel that way. I have always been a sunshine kind of girl, but here I am longing for rain.

Spiritually and physically.

I could use a dreary day. The sun here is harsh at times. I feel the need to be drenched in rain, reminding me of how life grows. The fluctuation of weather in the midwest is a great picture of life, how quickly it can change from dark to sunny and how we need both seasons to grow in life.

I could use a good drenching from God. I keep reading the Bible and praying to Him, pretty much begging for what I had before. He was raining hard on my life. Every verse spoke so clearly to me. I found God in every person I talked to. Every thought I had revolved around how clearly He was speaking to me.

And now, life feels dry. I thought that the rain would continue as long as I poured myself in to God. But like I said, I'm learning that I do not control the rain. I do not control His outpour. I pray and pray, and beg and beg for Him to change my eyes and my heart to see things how I was seeing them a month ago. But nothing changes. Nothing is clear, I don't see God in every person I speak to. It does not matter how much I seek answers in the word, He still not revealing Himself like He did before.

But I have to remind myself of something I did not know during my last dry spell with God. At the time I did not realize that He had to be up to something. That in the silence, in the waiting, He is still good, God, and working. I guess that is the small ounce of joy I find right now, that He is up to something.

So more than anything, my biggest lesson of the last year is simply that I am not in control. That even the things we should be able to control, we cannot. You would think after 24 years of life, I would know full and well that I am not in control. But perhaps because I am learning this in a completely new capacity, it feels like a brand new lesson. Time and time again God is trying to convince me to trust Him. Sometimes it is honestly very easy to trust Him, sometimes it is very difficult. It is between the rains that I struggle to trust a God who appears silent.

In the mean time, while I wait for another rainy season (physically, this should come in November) I try to remind myself that He is up to something. That those feelings of overwhelming joy and thankfulness to God were real and He poured out His truth on my life in a refreshing downpour. That's my hope right now, that the rain is coming.

Take Me Deeper...

"Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith would be made stronger..." (Oceans)
"Lord, whatever comes my way, I can trust you..." (Sovereign)

I have pondered these lyrics a lot lately. In the song Oceans by Hillsong, there are some deeply challenging lyrics. I love deep songs. But I have been singing these lyrics with a great idea of what this could mean. When I tell God that I'll trust Him whatever comes my way, it's a hard statement to sing.

I think it is easy to sing these lyrics, lyrics that say "Hey God, I'm willing to go wherever you lead". Do we really, truly consider where He could lead us? I've LOVED the lyrics "take me deeper than my feet could ever wander" because I feel like that is what happened to me over the last few months. God truly has stretched my faith and taken it far deeper than I could have ever gone on my own. The thing is: it took probably the biggest trial of my life to take me to this depth.

On one hand, I wouldn't go back and choose to not experience this because God has truly taken me deep in faith and relationship with Him. He's taken my faith places I never could have imagined to go by myself. I've heard His voice like never before and felt His arms like never before. I'm more in love with Him than ever before, I love that and I'm thankful for it.

But let's rewind to say, December 2012. If God would have sat me down and said hey- I'm going to take your faith deeper and this is how I'm going to do it- I'm not sure I would have agreed to it. I would have probably said no, my life is okay the way it is, I'll go a different direction. I seriously don't know if I would have stepped out on faith knowing what the future held.

I'm not sure that even makes sense... I wouldn't change it if I could, but I'm not sure I would have chosen it had I known.

Here's the thing though: I sing those lyrics with hesitation and yet a lot of confidence. I hesitate because I know the pain and discomfort it might bring in to my life. I know what it might mean. It might mean I suffer through more pain than I've already suffered. It might mean I won't. But frankly, faith does not come easy. Faith does not come to those who are never challenged, those who never experience loss. I don't believe faith comes in the good times. Our faith from the bad times allows us to coast and have the good times. The testing of our faith produces perseverance, perseverance makes us mature, complete, not lacking anything (James 1). So in the same sentence that I sing with hesitation knowing God might lead me straight back in to the fire, I have confidence that the fire will take my faith and strength deeper than I ever could have wandered by myself.

It is this to me: being scared yet confident in how God works... fully believing that wherever He leads me: through the fire, into the depths of the ocean, into the desert- He works all things for good and for His glory and there is nothing more important in my life than for my life to bring Him glory.

God's Promises

This summer I had the pleasure of attending two different CIY conferences: one for high school students and one for middle school students. We studied the life of Joseph at both of these events. Studying his life was one of the greatest joys based on where I am in my life. Joseph suffered through a lot of tough circumstances, but he remained faithful to God and God remained faithful to him.

At the Move conference (HS) our students got to take part in a pretty cool activity. It was the Color Experience. Basically, they took a bunch of the colored powder that is used in the Color Run and showered it on themselves and on each other. It was a really cool moment. A month or so before, I had started focusing my life on God's promises. And there I found myself watching our students do a physical activity that symbolized how we are covered in God's promises. I loved this moment, I loved to see our kids physically covered in what stood for God's promises.

There are several verses that have been huge for me the last couple of months, that comfort me and remind me that God has so many promises for us and He is ever faithful.

The verses that have been written in my living room for awhile now are Romans 4:20-21. God promised Abraham offspring even though he and Sarah were old and she was not supposed to have children.

"No unbelief made him waver concerning the promise of God, but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God, fully convinced that God was able to do what he had promised." Even when God's promise for Abraham's life was physically impossible- he believed. He never wavered. Earlier in chapter 4 it says he did not weaken in faith when he considered his own body. How in the world do you have that kind of faith? Everything tells you it can't happen but Abraham still believed it would. It also says in verse 23 that these words weren't written only for Abraham's sake- but for OUR sake so that when we believe we will be credited righteousness as well. God's power is far beyond the physicality of our world.

The verses I came upon today are now written on my chalkboard.
"So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised." Hebrews 10:35-36

I've been involved in a James study and have looked deeply into the words that say we should count it pure joy and persevere in our trials. I think this is right on- when we persevere God rewards that. Whether it is through maturity like in James or receiving his promises (promises for eternal life, for a plan and purpose and so many more things) like in Hebrew. God keeps giving me these verses to remind me to persevere through everything. There's a great reward in all of this. I will be more complete in maturity, I will receive His promises, and the greatest reward I've been feeling so far is simply that I'm hearing His voice clearer and louder than before.

God's promises for us are great and true and perfect! Joseph was covered in promises from God and even though he was sold and thrown in a pit by his brothers, thrown in jail for not pursuing a married woman, and waited so long for redemption within his family that betrayed him, he remained faithful to God, but the biggest and best part is that God remained faithful to him, and remains faithful to me and you today.

"God was silent, but he was up to something"