You are surrounded by them.
You are surrounded by the women and men who have hearts full of love for their babies.
But they have empty arms.
When I had my first miscarriage, I did not know a lot of people that could relate to the pain I was feeling. I didn't have a lot of people who were asking the same questions I was asking. Since that first miscarriage, I've known too many people to join this club, the club of pregnancy loss.
Today, October 15th, is a day set aside to acknowledge the parents who have lost their children in pregnancy or in their infancy. I wish that a day like this wasn't necessary. It is a completely unfair world to live in, the world that doesn't allow you to bring a healthy baby home from the hospital.
I'm not writing this to be one of the trendy blogs or articles that have been passed around lately. You know the ones, the ones that talk about how we need to talk about miscarriage more. I get that it's not talked about a lot and many of us end up suffering in silence. But for me- that's what I wanted. I wanted to grieve my losses privately. For the women who want to talk publicly about their losses- go for it! That's great. But some of us don't grieve that way and I want you to know: that's okay. Grief is a journey that looks different for everyone.
The real reason to write this is to tell you, the woman who is suffering in silence or suffering with everyone watching you: you aren't alone. You have a story that is full of joy, pain, and questions all at the same time. You have a story that isn't over. You are a mother regardless of how long you carried your baby or how long your baby lived outside of your body. You are a mother to someone beautiful, who gets to be with Jesus and know no pain. If you are a mother belonging to this club and you don't have the hope of Heaven, I pray you'll reach out to someone who does. Without the hope that comes from God, I never would have survived my losses.
And perhaps this is the most important thing I can tell you today, sweet mom: it is okay. It is okay if you're struggling with God because of this unfair death that has swept over your family. It is okay if you are questioning whether He is truly good or not. It is okay if you can't go to church right now and sing to Him and mean it. Maybe people will disagree with me, but whatever it is you are feeling: it is okay.
I spent some time avoiding God. I am not proud of the lack of faith I had after my first miscarriage, it wasn't pretty. But here's what I learned: God can handle it. He can handle my anger. He can handle my doubts. He can handle my questions. He can handle my tears. He can handle the wide range of emotions I dealt with. The moment that I decided to tell Him about all of these emotions and let Him handle it was the moment that He began a story in my life that is somewhat indescribable. He can redeem any situation, even the loss of the most innocent and perfect form of life.
If you're grieving the loss of a precious baby, or babies, you are in my prayers. If you want to tell me your story, tell me about the sweet babies you didn't get to bring home, I want to hear it. I'm happy to listen. Every time I post a picture of my sweet Norah, I am praying for the mom that will see that and be reminded of what she doesn't have. I've been there. Every time I hear of another person joining this club of pregnancy loss, I cry with you whether we are close or not. I think of you often whether I know about your loss or you've chosen to grieve privately. My heart is heavy for you today, as we think about the little ones that should have been.
Anything can be redeemed.
