531 days.
That is the number of days from when we learned we lost our first baby to the day we met Norah, the first baby we got to bring home.
Maybe it seems like a small amount, but when you're waiting, the days are long and hard. I know so many who have had to wait much longer and are still waiting. Forget waiting- when you're longing for something, the days feel impossibly long.
There are a lot of things I would love to tell myself about those days, with the privilege of hindsight. After much reflection, I can offer the most important thing I wish I could tell 23 year old me on that devastating day. And in an attempt to help another who might need to hear the same thing while they wait, I know it's time to share.
Long for Jesus.
It's not a new lesson, it's not something I made up on my own. But it is something no one ever said to me. It's something I did not know I wasn't doing. It's not like I woke up each day that I was depressed and thought to myself "hey, today, I'm not going to long for Jesus as much as I ought to".
There's a point where depression, anger, sadness, hurt, and confusion are kind of okay. They can be totally okay to feel and deal with. But there's a line between a healthy amount of dealing with it and the unhealthy, not dealing with it, but rather, wallowing in it and allowing it to take up residence in your heart. I know about this line because it's a line I crossed.
This line is often a line between you and idolatry.
The thing is, I'm not just talking about having a baby. The wait to have a healthy baby can be long and hard and can have so many different outcomes. But it's any wait. The wait to be married. The wait for God to heal your heart. The wait for physical healing. The wait for your loved one to get better. The wait for a job. The wait for your loved one to come back to the Lord. The wait for something better. I don't know what you're waiting for but there's a line between longing for Jesus and longing for _______.
I wish someone would have told me to long for Jesus more than I longed for a baby.
For a time, my longing for a baby was much greater than my longing for Jesus. Guess what! That longing left me with empty arms and somehow didn't fill the void in my heart either.
It's not that I think longing for these things is wrong. But it's wrong when you long for anything more than you long for Jesus.
Jesus is the only thing that matters.
In my own heart, I had to accept the truth that I might not ever have my own biological child. It was a longing I had, and I did truly think I'd have my own at some point. Unfortunately that longing led me down a road where I idolized having a baby and that was sinful. I had to find the happy medium between longing for a baby, but longing for Jesus far more. He's the only thing that satisfies. An important part of this story was that I had to come to my place of longing for Jesus more before I had Norah. If I had had Norah before I learned to long for Jesus, I'm not sure I ever would have learned. It's not even that I think God was waiting on me to learn it, but it sure did help me in the long run to decide to long for Jesus first and foremost in this life, knowing that no matter what comes my way, no matter what I lose in this life: Jesus is the only thing that matters.
I have no clue what you're waiting for. I don't know if you're using this waiting time wisely, or if you're being sinful and idolizing whatever it is you're longing for. I don't know if you even realize it, but maybe you've stopped longing for Jesus more than anything.
Please take it from someone who endured a wait that was long and painful.
Long for Jesus.
Jesus is the only thing that matters.
