Thankful When It's Hard To Be

Something I've been learning a lot about for awhile now is contentment. I made it a goal this summer to find peace and joy in all circumstances, to stop comparing my circumstances to anyone else's. 

What I've been told a lot by authors and mentors is that when you are feeling least content, you should combat that with thankfulness. Discontentment has so much to do with what we feel we are lacking and it causes us to lose sight of what we do have. So here, in my attempt to fight discontentment in this "thankful" season, I will express my thankfulness.

First and foremost, I am thankful that Jesus can redeem any situation. What the devil uses to harm me, God uses for good.

I am thankful that my marriage doesn't suffer when we face storms. It would be all too easy to blame each other or take frustration out on one another, but we don't. We cling. We lean on one another. Our marriage outlasts the storms.

I am thankful for the best support system in my family. My husband, parents, and siblings are my greatest role models and best friends. Each year I think I couldn't be more thankful for them and then the next year, I have grown even more with them. They are true solid rocks in my life.

I am thankful for the way God uses pain in our lives to grow us. This has been evident for me the past year. I have learned a lot. Every time I face a new challenge, I am able to face it a little stronger and more confident than the last, all because God grows us and strengthens us through trials.

I am thankful for a group of awesome middle school and high school students! It's such an honor and blessing to be in the lives of these people. They chase after God and challenge my own faith in a lot of way.

I am thankful for FaceTime because it lets me talk face to face with family. Most importantly it allows Grace, Graham, and Brynlee to show off by dancing around for me every now and then!

That is not an entire list, of course, but this is what it is on my heart today. I choose thankfulness instead of discontentment!

Deactivate

Have you ever gotten to the point where you feel the need to withdraw from social media? I've gone through some points where I just spend too much time worrying about other people's lives. It can be pretty consuming! So from time to time, I'll take (or Tyler and I will both take) a break from social media.

Well, I'm taking a break from Facebook.

These "breaks" usually have a time frame. This break does not.

Indefinitely.

Normally, I would not like to share this media fast. It seems kind of like a show off. "Oh I'm so God-centered that I take time from social media." In all honesty, I have deactivated my Facebook accounted because of how much it takes away from me and God. It's less about how it's healthy to take a break and more about how unhealthy the habit has become.

You may not have this problem, but I sure do. Comparison. And quite frankly, I was not at all aware of comparison stealing my joy until I heard someone else talk about it... I realized that it is exactly what I'm going through.

Do you put your dirty laundry out in the front yard for anyone to see? No.
On a first date, do you tell the potential mate about all of your baggage? No.
Do you post on Facebook about the sins you've committed, or the ways you've wronged people around you? I'd guess no.

But we do try and make our lawn look nice, right?
We try to make ourselves as appealing as possible on a first date, highlighting our degrees and achievements.
We post our pictures of smiling kids and families, clean and remodeled homes, and the perfect moments of our lives.

And I'm not saying that that is a bad thing. For one thing, I'm still using Instagram and Twitter because frankly, they don't create nearly the same problem in my personal life that Facebook does. What I am saying is that as a reader of Facebook, I only see the good in your life. I only see the highlights, the celebrations, and the best parts of my "Facebook friends'" lives. I do not see the bad parts, the struggles, the hardships. But I see my own hardships and I compare them to another persons' highlights.

This creates the desire for more- for different things that I can't or simply don't have. It creates a wedge  between me and God. I start to ask Him why others around me get what they want but I don't. I start to think God just doesn't want to bless me as much as He blesses others. This, my friends, is so unhealthy for me.

It's still a struggle even without Facebook because hey, it happens in my everyday life, too. I am currently looking for a job, two friends of mine started looking around the same time I did... I've sent out at least 12 applications. Anything from retail to school jobs, and nothing. Not a single phone call. And ya know what? My friends got jobs pretty much right away. Talk about jealousy. Talk about comparison. What doesn't look good on my application? Why don't people want to hire me? I'm a great, hard worker. I know this, why can't they see it?

But here's what I constantly have to remember: God's plan for my life is vastly different from His plan for yours. Comparing my life to others is hardly ever a good thing. It either creates jealousy and pain for me, or it fills my soul with pride that does not belong there. Comparison has stolen my joy one too many times.

Between Rains

We've officially been in Tracy for a year! (Well, a little more than!)

This year has flown by. So much has happened, so much has changed. I am very far from the person I was when we entered Tracy a year ago. I have wanted to write this post, I've thought long and hard about what I would share about our first year here. But I cannot complete this post without some honesty.

It has been a tough year. The first 6 months or so went by quickly and easily. Our transition was smooth as we could have ever hoped for. The church family has been wonderful to us. We have made some friends, and definitely have people who feel like family to us. Our students are wonderful kids, willing to chase after God. We are honored to be leading these students.

We've had some great highs and some low lows. The lows seem to define this past year in my mind. After 6 or 7 months of living here it seemed as though life started moving downhill. It was a steady incline and then we began to face situations we did not plan for, changing to a steep decline.

I recently completed a Bible study about the book of James. Beth Moore wrote this study and boy did it rock my world! It has played a big part in my spiritual life over the last few months, I'm so thankful I got to learn from her.

In one of the sessions she talked about being Between Rains. These "rains" being seasons of life that God's word rains down so heavily. We see God in everything, we see Him so clearly. I had a big "rain" early this year. As quickly as it began, it stopped. Now, I find myself between rains, in a dry spell. What I am learning is that I do not control the rain.

What I find even more interesting is my sudden frustration with the lack of rain. No, not spiritually: physically. I miss rain, thunderstorms, even just cloudy days. Life in the Central Valley of Northern California is very sunny. Sometimes painfully so! I never imagined I could feel that way. I have always been a sunshine kind of girl, but here I am longing for rain.

Spiritually and physically.

I could use a dreary day. The sun here is harsh at times. I feel the need to be drenched in rain, reminding me of how life grows. The fluctuation of weather in the midwest is a great picture of life, how quickly it can change from dark to sunny and how we need both seasons to grow in life.

I could use a good drenching from God. I keep reading the Bible and praying to Him, pretty much begging for what I had before. He was raining hard on my life. Every verse spoke so clearly to me. I found God in every person I talked to. Every thought I had revolved around how clearly He was speaking to me.

And now, life feels dry. I thought that the rain would continue as long as I poured myself in to God. But like I said, I'm learning that I do not control the rain. I do not control His outpour. I pray and pray, and beg and beg for Him to change my eyes and my heart to see things how I was seeing them a month ago. But nothing changes. Nothing is clear, I don't see God in every person I speak to. It does not matter how much I seek answers in the word, He still not revealing Himself like He did before.

But I have to remind myself of something I did not know during my last dry spell with God. At the time I did not realize that He had to be up to something. That in the silence, in the waiting, He is still good, God, and working. I guess that is the small ounce of joy I find right now, that He is up to something.

So more than anything, my biggest lesson of the last year is simply that I am not in control. That even the things we should be able to control, we cannot. You would think after 24 years of life, I would know full and well that I am not in control. But perhaps because I am learning this in a completely new capacity, it feels like a brand new lesson. Time and time again God is trying to convince me to trust Him. Sometimes it is honestly very easy to trust Him, sometimes it is very difficult. It is between the rains that I struggle to trust a God who appears silent.

In the mean time, while I wait for another rainy season (physically, this should come in November) I try to remind myself that He is up to something. That those feelings of overwhelming joy and thankfulness to God were real and He poured out His truth on my life in a refreshing downpour. That's my hope right now, that the rain is coming.

Take Me Deeper...

"Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith would be made stronger..." (Oceans)
"Lord, whatever comes my way, I can trust you..." (Sovereign)

I have pondered these lyrics a lot lately. In the song Oceans by Hillsong, there are some deeply challenging lyrics. I love deep songs. But I have been singing these lyrics with a great idea of what this could mean. When I tell God that I'll trust Him whatever comes my way, it's a hard statement to sing.

I think it is easy to sing these lyrics, lyrics that say "Hey God, I'm willing to go wherever you lead". Do we really, truly consider where He could lead us? I've LOVED the lyrics "take me deeper than my feet could ever wander" because I feel like that is what happened to me over the last few months. God truly has stretched my faith and taken it far deeper than I could have ever gone on my own. The thing is: it took probably the biggest trial of my life to take me to this depth.

On one hand, I wouldn't go back and choose to not experience this because God has truly taken me deep in faith and relationship with Him. He's taken my faith places I never could have imagined to go by myself. I've heard His voice like never before and felt His arms like never before. I'm more in love with Him than ever before, I love that and I'm thankful for it.

But let's rewind to say, December 2012. If God would have sat me down and said hey- I'm going to take your faith deeper and this is how I'm going to do it- I'm not sure I would have agreed to it. I would have probably said no, my life is okay the way it is, I'll go a different direction. I seriously don't know if I would have stepped out on faith knowing what the future held.

I'm not sure that even makes sense... I wouldn't change it if I could, but I'm not sure I would have chosen it had I known.

Here's the thing though: I sing those lyrics with hesitation and yet a lot of confidence. I hesitate because I know the pain and discomfort it might bring in to my life. I know what it might mean. It might mean I suffer through more pain than I've already suffered. It might mean I won't. But frankly, faith does not come easy. Faith does not come to those who are never challenged, those who never experience loss. I don't believe faith comes in the good times. Our faith from the bad times allows us to coast and have the good times. The testing of our faith produces perseverance, perseverance makes us mature, complete, not lacking anything (James 1). So in the same sentence that I sing with hesitation knowing God might lead me straight back in to the fire, I have confidence that the fire will take my faith and strength deeper than I ever could have wandered by myself.

It is this to me: being scared yet confident in how God works... fully believing that wherever He leads me: through the fire, into the depths of the ocean, into the desert- He works all things for good and for His glory and there is nothing more important in my life than for my life to bring Him glory.

God's Promises

This summer I had the pleasure of attending two different CIY conferences: one for high school students and one for middle school students. We studied the life of Joseph at both of these events. Studying his life was one of the greatest joys based on where I am in my life. Joseph suffered through a lot of tough circumstances, but he remained faithful to God and God remained faithful to him.

At the Move conference (HS) our students got to take part in a pretty cool activity. It was the Color Experience. Basically, they took a bunch of the colored powder that is used in the Color Run and showered it on themselves and on each other. It was a really cool moment. A month or so before, I had started focusing my life on God's promises. And there I found myself watching our students do a physical activity that symbolized how we are covered in God's promises. I loved this moment, I loved to see our kids physically covered in what stood for God's promises.

There are several verses that have been huge for me the last couple of months, that comfort me and remind me that God has so many promises for us and He is ever faithful.

The verses that have been written in my living room for awhile now are Romans 4:20-21. God promised Abraham offspring even though he and Sarah were old and she was not supposed to have children.

"No unbelief made him waver concerning the promise of God, but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God, fully convinced that God was able to do what he had promised." Even when God's promise for Abraham's life was physically impossible- he believed. He never wavered. Earlier in chapter 4 it says he did not weaken in faith when he considered his own body. How in the world do you have that kind of faith? Everything tells you it can't happen but Abraham still believed it would. It also says in verse 23 that these words weren't written only for Abraham's sake- but for OUR sake so that when we believe we will be credited righteousness as well. God's power is far beyond the physicality of our world.

The verses I came upon today are now written on my chalkboard.
"So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised." Hebrews 10:35-36

I've been involved in a James study and have looked deeply into the words that say we should count it pure joy and persevere in our trials. I think this is right on- when we persevere God rewards that. Whether it is through maturity like in James or receiving his promises (promises for eternal life, for a plan and purpose and so many more things) like in Hebrew. God keeps giving me these verses to remind me to persevere through everything. There's a great reward in all of this. I will be more complete in maturity, I will receive His promises, and the greatest reward I've been feeling so far is simply that I'm hearing His voice clearer and louder than before.

God's promises for us are great and true and perfect! Joseph was covered in promises from God and even though he was sold and thrown in a pit by his brothers, thrown in jail for not pursuing a married woman, and waited so long for redemption within his family that betrayed him, he remained faithful to God, but the biggest and best part is that God remained faithful to him, and remains faithful to me and you today.

"God was silent, but he was up to something"

One Thing I'm Sure Of

Lately, God has speaking into my life like crazy. More like shouting. It's very obvious and has made Him very real. This has led me to ponder some questions today.

Is it because I've been needing more of Him lately?
I've wondered if maybe it's because I've suffered some pain lately, and maybe He is taking this opportunity to build me up in time of need. Maybe He is speaking in to my life because He's giving me a great story to be shared one day (which I truly believe). So is He speaking more? Or am I just listening more?

Has He always spoken like this and I just didn't notice?
This could be the case. Maybe I'm at a point where I know I'm needing more of Him so I'm noticing more of Him in my every day life. So what it boils down to is: is it truly that He's speaking more or that I'm just more aware.

I would probably say a little of both. I wholeheartedly believe that He's using this time in my life to speak so much truth that it's all going to boil up and flow out of me to be used for His glory. That's one thing He's been telling me lately: His story in my life will be my ministry. I have no idea what this means or what it will look like, but He has me convinced that everything I'm learning right now is meant to be shared. So yes, I really do think He's speaking more. I felt nothing but silence from Him for a few months, all to boil up to a big point of speaking into my life.

But I do also believe I'm more aware. I reached a point that I needed God more than ever before. So my ears have been more open lately. My eyes have been frequently searching for Him in every little thing I lay my eyes on. My senses are heightened to the movement of God in every single, little or huge thing that walks into my life. He sure is speaking more. But I am listening more

One thing I'm sure of is that every ounce of pain and suffering I've felt in my life is worth the closeness to God that comes through trial. That, I know for sure.

Change of Plans

Here's the thing about me and blogging: I don't do it sometimes. When I don't do it that could mean a couple of things: life is really slow and uneventful or life is so eventful that it's much too personal to share in the moment. The latter is the case as of late. I'm a big picture kind of writer. I don't love to send out bits and pieces of important happenings. I want to wait until I can tell you about my struggle and how God pulled me through it to redemption, peace, joy, or whatever the ultimate "win" of that struggle is. God's been teaching me that my plans and His plans for me are two vastly different sets of plans. And someday I'll be able to share what my plans were and what His plans are, because I'm convinced that someone out there needs to know how God moves among His people today and boy has He been moving.

On a different note...

Life over the last couple of months has been quite interesting! After Elizabeth visited in May, I had plans for Lydia to come in June! All I had to do was get through a month and the next visitor would arrive. Not long before Lydia was supposed to come, my mom got very sick and we decided quickly that we needed a change of plans. There's no way Lyd could leave mom and dad at home without any family members in town, especially taking care of Brynlee. Plus Lyd and Elizabeth both needed some breaks and help with the ol' parentals! So change of plans: I went home. There were no plans for me (or us) to go home for a long time, but desperate times call for desperate measures. I got to spend 8 long and wonderful days at home, and all family members except Tyler were together for several days.

This trip was desperately needed. When I moved to California, I never imagined that my dad would end up in the hospital twice (once for planned surgery, once an unplanned visit) and my mom would end up in the hospital for a lovely (from what I hear =)) 8 day visit, all within a few months of each other. I didn't plan on that, neither did they of course. It's tough to be so far away and just need to be with your family. That's one big lesson I've been learning since the end of February. Sometimes all you need is your family and sometimes you just can't have that, and it's seriously rough. I'm so thankful for Tyler and his patience, understanding, and comfort through all the difficult moments in the last several months. I'm also so thankful for a church family and great Bible study ladies to pray so much for me and my family, so many of them knowing what it's like to be far from "home".

I will always be thankful for this trip home. I got to spend ample time with my parents, both sisters, brother(s in law), and nieces and nephew. What a last-minute, unplanned blessing. I guess that's the beauty. Sometimes my plans don't happen, but things happen in a way that so much joy can be found. While I hate that my mother was sick and my reason for going home was not a great one, I think it was healing for me to be around my whole family for a time.

Now I'm prepping to spend two weeks this month in Southern California for CIY Move and Mix. I could not be more excited to get out of town with 21 of our high school students and focus on what God has for us at Move. It's been 4 years since I've been to a week long youth event and I'm so ready! Camp and Youth Quake were such a HUGE part of my life growing up so I'm pretty pumped to go as a leader and experience Move for the first time. Plus, I've always wanted to visit SoCal and I'm finally getting the chance!

More Cali Life!

So we've lived in Tracy, CA for almost 9 months! That's crazy. This time has totally flown by. It feels like we lived in Owasso just yesterday, yet it feels like it was 10 years ago because so much in our lives have changed. Speaking of 10 years ago, 10 years ago Tyler and I met! Pretty crazy that it's been 10 years since that sunny April day at Camp Cyokamo! Elizabeth brought it up that it's been 10 years since she and Nathaniel met on their blind date in May 2003. I had never put it together that we both met our husbands in the same year. Granted, they have been married for much more of that ten years than we have (I can't believe they've been married almost 10 years!), it's pretty cool that we both met our husbands within a couple weeks of each other.

We've had a lot of visitors lately! I'll call it the marathon of guests. Having my parents, Tyler's mom, and Elizabeth out here was amazing. A total blessing to have our family travel out to see our lives in Cali. I know I always want to visualize what my family is doing, so I know it helped them understand our lives by seeing everything that is a part of our every day life! If only they could have stayed longer. We got to do a lot of fun new things with them. Each spent a day in SF and a day in Napa Valley(eating amazing food and aweing at the scenery!), and then with Elizabeth we also got to go back to Stanford so she could have a look around and then venture over to nearby Half Moon Bay. We LOVED getting to go to the beach for the first time since moving here! We didn't spend a ton of time there, but it was really a beautiful day and who doesn't love the ocean!?

I was totally surprised at how nice the beach was that we went to. We actually went a little north of HMB to Montara Beach (at the advice of our waiter at Princeton Seafood Company --delicious fish & chips!) The sand was not nearly as rough as some people describe California beach. I'm used to the softest, whitest sand of Destin and Panama City Beach in Florida, so the California coast was new for me. The sand was soft (in most places) and the water FREEZING! We got our feet a little wet, and it was my 2nd time in the Pacific ocean, so it was nice to be back after many years of playing in the Gulf of Mexico. I loved the Gulf but the view of ocean and mountains touching is amazing, a wonderful work of art.

I can officially say we made it through our first California winter. I have to say, it was everything I dreamed it would be. I wore a heavy coat only a handful of times and only when going outside at night. Jackets pretty much covered the rest, or long sleeved shirts or hoodies! My dream of a warmer winter has finally come true and it made winter completely bearable. Although, we did learn that Californians aren't too sure on how to handle rain. Winter is our rainy season and by rain I mean drizzle. Nothing like spring rains in Oklahoma! We had a few downpours, but I have to say I LOVED those rains, it brought me back to OK in my heart. On Easter we even had some thunder and lightning which is rare out here. It brought me much joy! And it finally taught us why we had to answer so many rain related questions on our driver's tests when we got our licenses... People drive completely different when it rains here and they seem to think the only setting for wind shield wipers is ultra fast!

Spring comes early in CA, for that I am forever thankful. We spent about 3 months without using any AC and minimal heat.. it was fantastic! But I'm beginning to understand why people in Tracy talk so much about the heat. I always think it's funny because it gets much hotter and is way more humid in OK, so I'm hesitant to complain about heat here... but I think the real problem is that it stays hot for a lot longer than in OK. It's been pretty hot for awhile now, I understand why they complain about the heat... and it's going to stay hot for a long time. But it makes me happy, I'd much rather have a long, hot  summer than a long, cold winter. Plus, knowing it snowed this past week where I used to live, I cannot even dream of complaining of the heat!

I feel like my family can testify now to the wonderment that is California weather... You look at the forecast for 10 days and it's not in the 40's and 80's within the same week and I love it. I can count on sunshine and warmth for most days, and the days I can't the cloud cover is a blessing. It's so different than any place I've ever lived, and it's awesome. But I'd gladly take a few more crazy thunder storms, that's what I miss most about Oklahoma weather.

Life is moving along. We're about to enter the summer season with trips to SoCal for CIY! I can't wait, I've always wanted to visit SoCal and in just a couple months I get to spend several days down at Biola U. with my favorite high school students! Before we know it, we'll be celebrating a year of living in Tracy. Time is flying by so quickly!

A Little of Oklahoma in California

Last month was quite a crazy month for Tyler and I. Today I will focus on the best part of last month: my parents came to visit! We looked forward to family coming to visit ever since we moved. To get to show our family around California was SO much fun. It's so different from Oklahoma and it is nice for them to understand where we live a little better!

My parents arrived late on a Saturday night so we didn't do much the first night... just some talking and sleeping! I was so excited to bring my parents to church on Sunday and see how our Sunday mornings are spent. They got to sit in on the youth service with us and enjoy a morning spent talking about and doing worship. It was so fun just to introduce them to people that are a part of our every day lives. Church is obviously a huge part of all of our lives so it was so wonderful to get to attend with family. It was also great to let them see how great our church family is and how we are so well taken care of!

On Monday morning my mother and I pretty much just sat and talked. Dad slept in a bit so we had a very quiet morning full of chatting, chatting that I so greatly missed! There's nothing like sitting and talking with your mom face to face after months of being apart. So much wisdom and encouragement came from our conversations. That after noon Tyler and I had a meeting so my parents drove around a little and we did a little more exploring just around Tracy to show them the town. Riding in the car with them was fun to just hear their reactions to Tracy. They, like me, loved to comment on how cute and comfortable Tracy is. The comfort of Tracy is definitely one of the reasons why it was so easy to move here. It really feels like our home!

On Tuesday we took them to explore San Francisco! I was so excited to show them around because they, like Tyler and I, LOVE cities! It must be in the blood. We took them to the major sites, Golden Gate Bridge, Fisherman's Wharf, Pier 39 (where we enjoyed the fish n chips for lunch!), through Chinatown, and from Union Square all the way down through downtown and the Ferry Building! We really got to see most everything we wanted to. I know they loved exploring with us.

The next day we had an opportunity to travel to a place I had not been yet, Sonoma (wine country). A family from FCC in Owasso was actually vacationing in Napa at the same time so my parents arranged for us to go have lunch with them in Sonoma. It was quite rainy and cloudy so we did not get to see a ton of the beautiful land, but what we did see was still so beautiful. I've never seen as much beautiful and diverse scenery as I have in since moving to California. We ate a cute little restaurant on the Square in Sonoma. Sonoma was such a quaint little town! I'd love to go there again and just spend the day there (and maybe on a non-rainy day!) Tyler was not able to join us on the Sonoma endeavor so I got to spend the day with my mom and dad by myself. Again, it was full of great conversations that only happen face to face.

I was super sad to see them go. The visit was no where near long enough, but I assume that's how it will be every time. Time with parents is SO precious. It's so hard to live this far from family so I'm super thankful they are willing to come visit us! Later this week Tyler's mom will be here, Elizabeth is coming later this month/early May, and we have some potential plans for other visitors this summer! Time is flying by with all of our family venturing out to see us, I'm so thankful for them coming out here!

How Life Changes

Lately I've been thinking about "where" we were a year ago. Not necessarily physically, but emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. Around this time last year we were visiting a church up in the Northeast. A beautiful town and a church that is doing great things in the Albany area. One thing we always say we are thankful for is that throughout our year of interviewing places, we got to see what God is doing in so many churches all over the country. This was one of those churches. While we would have gone anywhere God called us, I much prefer the California weather to what we'd have in Albany. A year ago, God was still working out his plan to move us to Tracy.

Then I can think about "where" we were two years ago around this time. I had recently come back from a trip to New York for a class called "Exegeting the City". This class changed and challenged my worldview. It was an awesome trip of exploring NYC, but even more so this class was one of the best ones of my college education. I knew after taking that class that God wanted me to open my mind so that he could move and use me and Tyler anywhere in the country, or anywhere in the world. I know that that class was a part of God's plan to form me in to the best version of myself. It's pretty cool to see how God used a class two years ago to help prepare me for the place I'd move to a year and half later. I needed to open my mind to how God views people in order to be willing to love people in different cultures.

I like to remember where I was seven years ago on this day. About this time seven years ago I was heading to work at Sonic. I'd probably be working the 4-10 shift, it was a Monday. I'm not sure what time my mom called me at work but I knew it was already dark out. The phone rang as I was running an order out, when I came back in I got the news that my dad was in the hospital because of a stroke. My boss made me go home but I didn't really want to do that because I'd be by myself. I went home, packed a bag and went to my 2nd family's house where I had to break the news to them what had happened and that I needed to stay with them. "Where" was I seven years ago?

I was lost. This was the first really bad thing that had happened in my life, I didn't know how to deal with tragedy or devastation. Thank goodness my father was okay, but I think more than anything it led me to a faith crisis. I had to learn what it really meant to trust God in good and bad. I hadn't ever really learned to trust him in the bad because I had never experienced the bad. It was hard. It took me months and months to realize that I didn't trust God. Then it took me years to build up that trust with him again. Sometimes I'd build it up just for something else to happen and that trust would be destroyed again. Something I didn't know when my father had a stroke was that it was okay to be upset with God and to ask questions and to have doubts because I'd never learn the truth about what it means to really have faith. Faith is not as much about how you handle the good times as it is about how you handle the bad times.

Seven years ago, God started this battle of trust and faith with me that is still a struggle today. I wouldn't ever say that he made my dad have a stroke so that I would learn the lessons but he decided to take that "bad" event in my life to teach and turn my life in to good. But like I said, every time something "bad" happens, it feels like I take a couple steps back. Sometimes more steps than others. I know that God knows what he's doing.

I can look back over the past seven years and see how God has prepared me for events that happen today, or happened recently. It doesn't make them easier. In fact, sometimes it makes them harder because I want to complain to God and say "Wait, you already taught me this lesson. Why are we going at this again?" only to realize that if I'm angry that he's "teaching" me this lesson again, I clearly didn't get it all the way the first time.

I love reflection. I love looking back and realizing how God worked. I love having lessons that God has taught me because I really need to look back and see how he has turned so many bad things into good. Every time something bad happens I can look at how he delivered me and trust that he will again. It's hard to believe at times. Today I'm not so sure I believe I can be delivered but I know deep in my heart that it's true.

My Everyday Life

So not a lot has been going on lately. Mostly my days consist of doing things to get my house ready for my parents (and hopefully brother!) to come visit in March. But when we were home for Christmas I got a lot of the same questions from people. What's living in California like? How's the church? Are you finally feeling settled? And probably the biggest question: Where are you working?

Since graduating college, Tyler and I did a lot of soul searching for myself. I know what I'm passionate about, but I also know that grown-up life comes with bills and perhaps my passions weren't going to get me a huge paycheck.

The problem with this is that I always thought I have to work. When thinking about getting a job I pictured the countless jobs that I felt were jobs I'd never want to go back to. The food industry and retail have burnt me out on their respectful categories and I was dreading having to get just another job I didn't truly care about and would leave me unfulfilled as usual. I've only had two jobs I wouldn't have minded staying at forever- my job at Ozark and at the optical! For the year we lived at home I had the pleasure of finally having a job I enjoyed and looked forward to everyday! Half of this was because of the people I worked for -it was easy to work for great bosses! The other half was that I did truly find the job interesting and liked working with the types of customers we got. But part of following Tyler's calling to work out here in Tracy, it meant leaving that job. I'm still SO thankful I got to have that experience.

But a part of moving out here meant I'd get a break from working. I've been working hard since I was 17 and I was in need of a break! So a lot of people question what I do all day, how I fill my time, so I thought I'd share with you what I'm passionate about and how it fills my days.

I never pictured myself as a "housewife". But truly, my greatest joy and passion is taking care of our home and taking care of Tyler so that he can focus on his ministry and helping lead students to Christ. It may sound super cheesy but this is what I LOVE doing- it's how I love spending my days! I haven't really found myself "bored" at all in the 5 months we've been here. I'm still working on getting our home just right and keeping track of our lives. I take care of our home so that when Tyler comes home from anything, he gets to relax and unwind from the effects of ministry.

But I also spend my time in the ministry as well. I go to most youth events and help lead the high school girls small group. I've been leading small groups for awhile and I love being in the lives of students! I also recently joined a Bible Study on a couple mornings a month and I'm so very excited about that. So this is a little picture of what I'm doing with my days. I love having a break from working outside the home, it's bringing me a lot of joy to finally be doing what I enjoy and not get stressed out by things that I'm not passionate about!

Like I said, I never pictured that this is what I would long to do- to stay at home. But it truly is where God led us and if I need to work again someday- soon or in the distant future- I'll be happy to. But for now, I'm thoroughly enjoying my break!

Goodbye 2012

Here's a quick look at our 2012! It was a really great year, but I'm happy to see what 2013 brings to us!

We spent a ton of time with our favorite people while we lived in Oklahoma:

Graham's 1st birthday!

We went to many Driller's games with family to enjoy the cool Oklahoma evenings. By cool I mean only 95 degrees.

We got to go to an Elks game in Arkansas!

We spent great time at Grand Lake with my family for a few days.

My brother, Joel, got to come for the lake trip. It's always a blessing to see him. But hey, now I live a lot closer to him so hopefully I'll get to go see where he lives for once!

Us at the botanical gardens in OKC.

We spent our 2nd Anniversary in Oklahoma City. We had such a fun trip. The Thunder were in the NBA finals so there was a fun buzz around town and we got to watch a game at BJ's with a ton of fans. We also went to the OKC bombing memorials and museum which was a moving experience. I'm glad we finally did this as we've both lived in Oklahoma for a long time, but had never gone there.

We spent Easter with our families at our church in Owasso.

I accomplished something I never thought I'd do. I ran a 10k race with my sister Elizabeth, while Lydia ran a half marathon at the same time. I loved this experience and hope to run another race sometime soon!

Tyler and I ran the Mission 5k with our church in Owasso. This was a fun thing to do because 2011's Mission 5k was our first race ever and it was awesome to run 2012's race after working hard to achieve some of our weight loss goals!

Tyler was ordained in August and we were sent out by our families and churches.

We loaded everything from our storage unit into a truck to make the trek out to Cali!

We had a great 4 day trip out to Cali with some fun stops along the way. We took our time and it was a super fun road trip.

We moved to Tracy, California! 1,693 miles from my parents home where we lived.

We began renting a cute house and finally got to unpack all the stuff I'd been missing for the last year!

We explored Silicon Valley, and accomplished a dream of Tyler's to go to the Apple Headquarters.

We accomplished a dream of mine to go to a Stanford volleyball game. And we got a huge surprise when they brought out Kerri Walsh-Jennings to retire her jersey. Huge dream come true for me!

We finally got to celebrate Christmas in our new home.

We did a lot of exploring San Francisco and have enjoyed every second of the awesome location we live in!

We got to spend a great week with our families for Christmas! It was so refreshing to go home and share our lives with our families for awhile.

Not to mention we got to go to a great OSU basketball game!

What a great blessing 2012 was! We went through some challenges as we continued to wait on God's plan for our lives. We had great friends and family in Oklahoma that helped us move forward in our lives. I can't say enough about the faithfulness of God. I am so excited as we turn the page in to 2013 that I don't have to wonder when God is going to provide the right church to join. But I am totally excited to see what he brings us this year! If you would have told me as I wrote my 2011 blog last year that this year I'd be writing from Tracy, CA I never, ever would have believed you. It's a blessing to be here and I'm thrilled to see what God does with us in Tracy this year!