Between Rains

We've officially been in Tracy for a year! (Well, a little more than!)

This year has flown by. So much has happened, so much has changed. I am very far from the person I was when we entered Tracy a year ago. I have wanted to write this post, I've thought long and hard about what I would share about our first year here. But I cannot complete this post without some honesty.

It has been a tough year. The first 6 months or so went by quickly and easily. Our transition was smooth as we could have ever hoped for. The church family has been wonderful to us. We have made some friends, and definitely have people who feel like family to us. Our students are wonderful kids, willing to chase after God. We are honored to be leading these students.

We've had some great highs and some low lows. The lows seem to define this past year in my mind. After 6 or 7 months of living here it seemed as though life started moving downhill. It was a steady incline and then we began to face situations we did not plan for, changing to a steep decline.

I recently completed a Bible study about the book of James. Beth Moore wrote this study and boy did it rock my world! It has played a big part in my spiritual life over the last few months, I'm so thankful I got to learn from her.

In one of the sessions she talked about being Between Rains. These "rains" being seasons of life that God's word rains down so heavily. We see God in everything, we see Him so clearly. I had a big "rain" early this year. As quickly as it began, it stopped. Now, I find myself between rains, in a dry spell. What I am learning is that I do not control the rain.

What I find even more interesting is my sudden frustration with the lack of rain. No, not spiritually: physically. I miss rain, thunderstorms, even just cloudy days. Life in the Central Valley of Northern California is very sunny. Sometimes painfully so! I never imagined I could feel that way. I have always been a sunshine kind of girl, but here I am longing for rain.

Spiritually and physically.

I could use a dreary day. The sun here is harsh at times. I feel the need to be drenched in rain, reminding me of how life grows. The fluctuation of weather in the midwest is a great picture of life, how quickly it can change from dark to sunny and how we need both seasons to grow in life.

I could use a good drenching from God. I keep reading the Bible and praying to Him, pretty much begging for what I had before. He was raining hard on my life. Every verse spoke so clearly to me. I found God in every person I talked to. Every thought I had revolved around how clearly He was speaking to me.

And now, life feels dry. I thought that the rain would continue as long as I poured myself in to God. But like I said, I'm learning that I do not control the rain. I do not control His outpour. I pray and pray, and beg and beg for Him to change my eyes and my heart to see things how I was seeing them a month ago. But nothing changes. Nothing is clear, I don't see God in every person I speak to. It does not matter how much I seek answers in the word, He still not revealing Himself like He did before.

But I have to remind myself of something I did not know during my last dry spell with God. At the time I did not realize that He had to be up to something. That in the silence, in the waiting, He is still good, God, and working. I guess that is the small ounce of joy I find right now, that He is up to something.

So more than anything, my biggest lesson of the last year is simply that I am not in control. That even the things we should be able to control, we cannot. You would think after 24 years of life, I would know full and well that I am not in control. But perhaps because I am learning this in a completely new capacity, it feels like a brand new lesson. Time and time again God is trying to convince me to trust Him. Sometimes it is honestly very easy to trust Him, sometimes it is very difficult. It is between the rains that I struggle to trust a God who appears silent.

In the mean time, while I wait for another rainy season (physically, this should come in November) I try to remind myself that He is up to something. That those feelings of overwhelming joy and thankfulness to God were real and He poured out His truth on my life in a refreshing downpour. That's my hope right now, that the rain is coming.