Lately I've been thinking about "where" we were a year ago. Not necessarily physically, but emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. Around this time last year we were visiting a church up in the Northeast. A beautiful town and a church that is doing great things in the Albany area. One thing we always say we are thankful for is that throughout our year of interviewing places, we got to see what God is doing in so many churches all over the country. This was one of those churches. While we would have gone anywhere God called us, I much prefer the California weather to what we'd have in Albany. A year ago, God was still working out his plan to move us to Tracy.
Then I can think about "where" we were two years ago around this time. I had recently come back from a trip to New York for a class called "Exegeting the City". This class changed and challenged my worldview. It was an awesome trip of exploring NYC, but even more so this class was one of the best ones of my college education. I knew after taking that class that God wanted me to open my mind so that he could move and use me and Tyler anywhere in the country, or anywhere in the world. I know that that class was a part of God's plan to form me in to the best version of myself. It's pretty cool to see how God used a class two years ago to help prepare me for the place I'd move to a year and half later. I needed to open my mind to how God views people in order to be willing to love people in different cultures.
I like to remember where I was seven years ago on this day. About this time seven years ago I was heading to work at Sonic. I'd probably be working the 4-10 shift, it was a Monday. I'm not sure what time my mom called me at work but I knew it was already dark out. The phone rang as I was running an order out, when I came back in I got the news that my dad was in the hospital because of a stroke. My boss made me go home but I didn't really want to do that because I'd be by myself. I went home, packed a bag and went to my 2nd family's house where I had to break the news to them what had happened and that I needed to stay with them. "Where" was I seven years ago?
I was lost. This was the first really bad thing that had happened in my life, I didn't know how to deal with tragedy or devastation. Thank goodness my father was okay, but I think more than anything it led me to a faith crisis. I had to learn what it really meant to trust God in good and bad. I hadn't ever really learned to trust him in the bad because I had never experienced the bad. It was hard. It took me months and months to realize that I didn't trust God. Then it took me years to build up that trust with him again. Sometimes I'd build it up just for something else to happen and that trust would be destroyed again. Something I didn't know when my father had a stroke was that it was okay to be upset with God and to ask questions and to have doubts because I'd never learn the truth about what it means to really have faith. Faith is not as much about how you handle the good times as it is about how you handle the bad times.
Seven years ago, God started this battle of trust and faith with me that is still a struggle today. I wouldn't ever say that he made my dad have a stroke so that I would learn the lessons but he decided to take that "bad" event in my life to teach and turn my life in to good. But like I said, every time something "bad" happens, it feels like I take a couple steps back. Sometimes more steps than others. I know that God knows what he's doing.
I can look back over the past seven years and see how God has prepared me for events that happen today, or happened recently. It doesn't make them easier. In fact, sometimes it makes them harder because I want to complain to God and say "Wait, you already taught me this lesson. Why are we going at this again?" only to realize that if I'm angry that he's "teaching" me this lesson again, I clearly didn't get it all the way the first time.
I love reflection. I love looking back and realizing how God worked. I love having lessons that God has taught me because I really need to look back and see how he has turned so many bad things into good. Every time something bad happens I can look at how he delivered me and trust that he will again. It's hard to believe at times. Today I'm not so sure I believe I can be delivered but I know deep in my heart that it's true.
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